just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
