I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
