the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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