I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
