you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
