dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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