I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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