i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
