Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
