I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
