I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
