i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
whose parrot is this?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
