Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
