I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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