she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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