I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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