last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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