so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
