the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
