I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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