Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
