I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
