just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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