I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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