we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
