It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There r osticjed everywhere
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
