i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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