and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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