As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
