I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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