Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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