I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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