True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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