I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
