Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
