I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
