if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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