I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just want to make out with him forever
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
