after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
