Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
