my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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