im about as happy as oj after his trial
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's great music for shaving your balls
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
