just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
