I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
