Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
