my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
