I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
