I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
