her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
