Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
