sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
